Dear candidate for president of the United States:
Congratulations on your decision to pursue a career as leader of the free world. The following exam, while in no way comprehensive, is intended to assess your basic qualifications and level of occupational competency. Though a failing grade does not automatically exclude you from being elected by low-information voters, hipster millennials, liberal yuppies plagued by white guilt, and lesbian feminists with sleeve tattoos, it does strongly indicate that you are better suited for a career in an industry requiring no experience whatsoever and few, if any, measurable skills.
Alternative career paths might include:
1. Community Organizer
2. Law professor at the University of Chicago
3. Serial bad golfer
4. Mom jeans model
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INSTRUCTIONS: Circle the correct answer using a No. 2 Che Guevara pencil. You will have eight years to complete this exam.
  1. There are how many “states” in the “United States of America”:
    a. 50
    b. 57
    c. π
  2. Your philosophy on governance most closely resembles that of:
    a. George Washington
    b. King George III
    c. Steve Urkel
    d. b and c
  3. Who is more accurately described as “Father of the American Revolution”?
    a. Samuel Adams
    b. Saul Alinsky
    c. Can we please move on? I have daddy issues
  4. Which of the following best describes your college friends:
    a. Fellow members of the Federalist Society
    b. Black Panther militants who “did a little blow”
    c. “Marxist professors and structural feminists”
    d. b and c
  5. The U.S. Constitution is:
    a. A “living, breathing document”
    b. A minor inconvenience
    c. To be circumvented at every available opportunity
    d. The supreme law of the land. It both limits the federal government and grants Congress certain enumerated powers. Those powers not expressly accorded the three branches of federal government are left to the states
    e. a, b, and c
  6. America:
    a. Is the land of the free and the home of the brave
    b. Is exceptional
    c. Is a shining city on a hill
    d. Needs to be “fundamentally transformed”
    e. a, b, and c
  7. Marriage is:
    a. The union of a man and a woman
    b. The union of a man and a man
    c. The union of a man and a goat
    d. Whatever. I’ve evolved
  8. Children are best served when:
    a. They have a mom and dad
    b. They are not dead
    c. They have two moms, two dads, and/or a goat
    d. They are dismembered alive and sucked into a biowaste container
    e. a and b
    f. c and d
  9. The Islamic State is:
    a. Jewish
    b. Christian
    c. Buddhist
    d. Islamic
  10. The Islamic State:
    a. Are bloodthirsty, demon-possessed monsters who must be stopped at all costs
    b. Behead Christian babies in front of their parents because of “unemployment”
    c. “May have legitimate grievances”
    d. b and c
  11. Who dances in the streets when Christians and Jews are beheaded or otherwise burned alive?
    a. The Amish
    b. Mormons
    c. Muslims
    d. Trick question. Mormons can’t dance
  12. Coptic Christians are best described as:
    a. “Egyptian citizens”
    b. Coptic Christians
  13. Jews are best described as:
    a. Jews
    b. “Random people”
  14. Which of the following is a serious threat to American citizens?
    a. Freezing to death from global warming
    b. Homophobia
    c. Income inequality
    d. Muslim orthodoxy
    e. Repeal of the Affordable Care Act
  15. Which best represents a clear and present danger to U.S. national security?
    a. The Crusades
    b. The Inquisition
    c. Michael Savage
    d. Islamic jihad
  16. The founder of Islam was:
    a. Moses
    b. Jesus
    c. A slave-trading, woman-beheading pedophile named Muhammad
    d. L. Ron Hubbard
  17. Adolf Hitler detailed his plans for world domination and extermination of the Jews in:
    a. The War of the Worlds
    b. The New York Times
    c. Ladies’ underwear
    d. Mein Kampf
  18. Islam details its plans for world domination and extermination of the Jews in:
    a. The Poky Little Puppy
    b. The Audacity of Hope
    c. Dancing Boy Magazine
    d. The Quran
  19. The future must not belong to:
    a. Those who rape women
    b. Those who behead children
    c. Those who rape children and behead women
    d. “Those who slander the prophet of Islam”
    e. a, b, and c
  20. Islam:
    a. Requires the summary execution of homosexuals
    b. Stones to death, for adultery, women who have been raped
    c. Treats women as chattel to be beaten with impunity
    d. “Has a proud tradition of tolerance”
    e. a, b, and c
  21. Ninety-nine percent of all global terrorism is committed by:
    a. The Family Research Council
    b. Pro-lifers
    c. The tea party
    d. Muslims
  22. When interacting with those who wish to lop off your head, it is always best to:
    a. Get them jobs
    b. Tell them when and where you intend to attack
    c. Kill them with kindness
    d. Just plain kill them
    e. a, b, and c
  23. When negotiating with those who have expressed an interest in raping your women and burning your children alive, the most effective strategy is:
    a. Catch and release
    b. Appeasement
    c. To quickly help them achieve room temperature
    d. a and b
  24. When dealing with United States allies, it is best to:
    a. Accuse them of having “spat in our face”
    b. Spy on them
    c. Illegally interfere in their sovereign elections
    d. Demand they stop hurting Muslims’ fists with their face
    e. Treat them with respect and immediately come to their aid in times of trouble
    f. a through d
  25. Which statement most closely represents your Middle Eastern loyalties:
    a. I will stand with Israel should the political winds shift in an ugly direction
    b.”I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction”
Summary:
If you responded incorrectly to one or more of the above questions, then, regrettably, you are not qualified to hold office as president of the United States.