Mom is Tired & Angry Over How She Has to Share Her Daughter With Ex. Then It Hits Her…

Mom is Tired & Angry Over How She Has to Share Her Daughter With Ex. Then It Hits Her…

By Amanda Ghessie  

Candice Curry and her first husband have been divorced for fourteen years. Together they have a fifteen-year-old daughter, Stiles. When the pair first separated, they signed a custody agreement whereby they would share custody of their child. But quickly they realized that custody agreements just don’t flow the way everyday life does.
In her piece entitled, “What Happened After My Ex Husband and I Threw Away Our Custody Agreement,” Curry explains that while life changes — and changes often — the details of a custody agreement do not.

Photo Courtesy of Candice Curry

A year of following a set of rules that were “somewhat standard and very general to accommodate a broad span of families,” left her and her ex exhausted.

“We were tired of times and dates and who has her when and what time she needed to be where and on and on,” she says. “We were angry because of expectations that seemed impossible. We couldn’t always get her by 6pm or drop her off by 8pm, life just doesn’t work like that and occasionally you’re late or early or can’t do it at all. We were confused because it’s a mess.”

Soon they realized that not only was the custody agreement inhibiting their ability to work as a team, it was making coparenting impossible.

Photo Courtesy of Candice Curry

Because her faith plays the number one role in everything she does, Curry tells IJ Lift that she asked God to help her figure out what to do in such a difficult situation.

“I had to pray and ask God to show me how to take what I had messed up and somehow use it to be an example of forgiveness, grace and mercy. That would all be completely impossible without God.”

After much thought and prayer, they made a decision. They ripped up the custody agreement. And according to Curry, they never looked back.

“Instead of being controlling jerks, we decided to give each other some slack and truly stop to think about what was best for our little girl.
Our entire relationship changed after that. The dynamics of co-parenting made a positive switch and we became better parents and better friends. Our daughter became happier and we were all less stressed.”

Curry tells IJ Lift that for the past ten years they have been coparenting this way. Curry remarried ten years ago and has since expanded her family to include nine-year-old, all girl triplets, an almost two-year-old son, and, most recently, her sixteen-year-old sister. Curry’s ex husband remarried four years ago and has another daughter.

Photo Courtesy of Candice Curry

She believes that their decision to tear up the custody agreement has not only helped her and her ex’s sanity, but it has had a tremendously positive effect on their daughter’s self esteem.

“Our daughter isn’t a possession or a puppet. She’s not a pawn or weapon. She’s a little girl who never asked for divorced parents and she needs to feel equally important and cherished at both homes.
She needs to see her parents love each other and work together as a team. She needs to see us give each other grace and mercy. She needs to know that broken things can be fixed, maybe not back to the way they were before but in a way that works and is healthy.”

For them, ripping up the custody agreement and thereby learning to respect each other and work together is the best thing they could have done— for themselves and for their daughter.

Photo Courtesy of Candice Curry

Curry recognizes that this solution isn’t possible for all families, and she isn’t trying to preach that her way is the best way.

“I know that custody papers are put in place for a reason and that standard orders are needed in a lot of custody agreements… I just want to give an example of what can happen when both parties work together and truly put the best interest of the child first.”

She acknowledges that doing things their way can be difficult.

“It takes all of the parties to be willing to make sacrifices and step up to get it done this way. It takes all of the parties being a healthy asset to the child’s life,” she says. “It’s not easy to let go of hurt, control, bitterness, frustration and so much more but when you release yourself from it, a whole new and wonderful world opens up.”

But she is hopeful that by sharing her story, she can inspire other families to construct plans that are the best for their children.

“I just hope that someone out there will read how we do it and maybe work towards doing it like this or in a way that is better for their child.”

Because for her and her ex husband, throwing out the custody papers made them better people, and enabled their daughter to have “one big family full of love and abundant grace.”