To
the uninitiated, the differences between Catholics and Protestants may
be confusing. Why the funny hats? What's with all the casseroles? Why
are they always burning each other at the stake?
The Babylon Bee
is here to lay all your questions and concerns to rest. We are experts
in Protestantism, and we even hired a Catholic intern so we'd know more
about Catholicism. Read and learn!
Definitions
Catholicism: The true Church, established by Jesus himself, with funny hats.
Protestantism: The true church, established by Jesus himself, before the Catholics ruined it with their funny hats.
Origins
Catholicism: Jesus
gathered a papal conclave of the College of Cardinals, where
they issued Saint Peter the first official Pope hat and Popemobile. He
then cooked fried fish with malt vinegar and white smoke rose from the
flames, signaling the election of the first Pope.
Protestantism: One
day, a triggered snowflake named Martin Luther nailed an incendiary
comment on a giant door-- causing him to get excommunicated. He then
went into hiding at Wartburg Castle to translate the Bible and invent
the world's first Chick-fil-A sandwich. Things really got dicey when he
started passing out AR-15s to the peasants.
Doctrine
Catholicism: Do
whatever the Pope says and kiss relics and pray while lighting lots of
candles. If you have extra money you can use it to spring people out of
purgatory. Feel really guilty all the time.
Protestantism: Do whatever Pastor Bob says and buy lots of guns and Chick-fil-A. Vote Republican. Never feel guilty about anything, ever.
Famous adherents
Catholicism: The
Apostle Peter, Mary, James the Brother of Jesus, Mel Gibson, that
priest from The Exorcist, like every Hispanic grandma ever, Joe Biden,
Pope Francis (maybe).
Protestantism: The Apostle Paul, Martin Luther, pastors who like to wear cool clothes and have laser light shows every Sunday, Joel Osteen.
Prominent works
Catholicism: The definitive 73 books of the Bible,The Sistine Chapel, St Peter's Basilica, The Mona Lisa
Protestantism: The definitive 66 books of the Bible, God's Not Dead, VeggieTales, Adult coloring books
Weaknesses
Catholics: Low blood sugar from fasting, bad knees from kneeling.
Protestants: Defenseless against vampires.
How to spot a devotee
Catholics: They
are probably drinking beer, like a lot of beer. They also really don’t
like abortion. Orders fast food in Latin, might wear one of those collar
things or a giant hat. You also might spot some rosary beads hanging in
their cars as a decoration. Usually accompanied by around 16 kids.
Protestants: Hard to spot because they look exactly like the world.
The percentage of Americans who belong to a house of
worship such as a church, synagogue, or mosque dipped below 50% for the
first time ever, according to a survey released by Gallup.
The
new survey, published on Monday, found that only 47% of Americans
reported membership in a place of worship in 2020, continuing a sharp downward trend that began at the turn of the 21st century.
Gallup
first began tracking membership in 1937, at a time when 73% of
Americans reported that they belonged to a house of worship. That high
level of membership continued for the next six decades until 1999, when
70% of Americans still reported membership. But in the early 2000s,
membership in a house of worship began declining steadily.
"Over the past two decades, the percentage of Americans who
do not identify with any religion has grown from 8% in 1998-2000 to 13%
in 2008-2010 and 21% over the past three years," the research company
said. "As would be expected, Americans without a religious preference
are highly unlikely to belong to a church, synagogue or mosque, although
a small proportion — 4% in the 2018-2020 data — say they do. That
figure is down from 10% between 1998 and 2000."
The trend against
religiosity is expected to continue as younger generations are
increasingly likely not to belong to a house of worship.
According
to Gallup, "Church membership is strongly correlated with age, as 66%
of traditionalists — U.S. adults born before 1946 — belong to a church,
compared with 58% of baby boomers, 50% of those in Generation X and 36%
of Millennials." The youngest adult generation in the U.S. — Generation Z
— has reportedly produced similar rates to those of Millennials.
At
the same time, while fewer Americans overall report belonging to a
house of worship, the trend of increased church attendance with age has
continued. Stated differently, this means that as Americans get older,
they are still increasingly attending a house of worship.
Gallup cited this data to disprove a widely read 2019 op-ed published in the Washington Post that claimed that Millennials "are skipping church and not going back."
Gallup's report did not break down data about churches, synagogues, or mosques in isolation.
When considering purchasing an electric vehicle,
you also have to consider how to charge your vehicle. There are public
charging stations strategically placed, but your best bet is to charge
in your own home. Find out how much it can cost to charge your electric car at home below.
What does kWh mean for electric cars?
A homeowner plugs into a charging unit at home | Chris Ratcliffe/Bloomberg via Getty Images
A kilowatt-hour (kWh)
is a measure of energy. You are charged per kilowatt-hour to charge
your electric vehicle. John Voelcker, an automotive journalist and
industry analyst, commented on this to Kelly Blue Book.
Voelcker
notes that most EVs get between three and four miles out of each kWh.
If you divide the total miles driven each month by three, you can get
the amount of kWh you would use monthly. Multiply this by the cost per
kWh.
The
example used says that if you drive 540 miles a month, you will use 180
kWh in a month. The average price of a kWh in the U.S. is $0.12/kWh.
Multiple 180 kWh by $0.12, and you get $21.60 per month.
If
you use 1000 kWh of electricity and your monthly bill comes out to
$100, you pay $0.10 for each kWh. Should you put 1,000 miles on your car
with the same three miles per kWh, that puts your bill around $30. If
you double the rate to $.20/kWh, your charging cost is around $60.
Gas prices fluctuate a lot, but it is safe to say you would probably spend upwards of $50 a month to drive 1,000 miles.
Knowing
where to access public charging stations is important, but most of your
charging will likely be done at home. Since electricity is less
expensive at night when people are using less of it, this is good news
for those looking to charge an electric vehicle at night.
“The
cheapest way to charge your electric car is almost always at home,
overnight. Some utilities have special low rates for the overnight
period when their demand is lightest,” Voelcker said.
By
charging at home, you save yourself the time of traveling to a charging
spot, and it is less expensive in the long run. Plug in your Tesla or your Volkwagen ID.4 while you sleep and enjoy a fully-charged car by the next morning.
Electric
vehicles get less of a range in cold weather. That’s no secret.
However, areas with colder weather also pay more for a charge.
KBB
notes that in the Northeast region during February, those charging an
EV in Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, and Connecticut paid
double for each kWh of energy used.
One option is to buy a fast charger for your house. A Level 2 charger from Charge Point costs around $700. This 240-volt charger will charge up to nine times faster than a normal wall outlet.
You
can also use the ChargePoint app to set your charger to charge when
energy is cheaper. Set a schedule to automatically charge when the price
dips and even set a reminder to plug your car in.
So,
all in all, you can control a lot of the cost of your electric vehicle.
If you need to charge in public, it will cost more. Charging at home
will cost more upfront if you install a charger, but it will pay off
after that.
President Donald Trump leaves the East Room of the White House in Washington, D.C., November 4, 2020. (Carlos Barria/Reuters)
Twenty-six percent of non-white voters cast their ballots for President Trump, according to an NBC exit poll.
If the poll is an accurate reflection of final results, Trump will
have improved his support with black and Latino voters relative to 2016,
when non-white voters comprised 21 percent of his vote share.
Democrats have attacked Trump as racist, including during the 2016
and 2020 elections. In the wake of the George Floyd demonstrations in
late May, Democrats lashed out
at Trump’s opposition to removing monuments of Confederate figures and
the Confederate flag from public spaces, and have repeatedly invoked
Trump’s 2016 comments in which he warned of Mexican “rapists” illegally
crossing the border. The president has also opted to call coronavirus
the “China virus,” which has unnerved Democrats concerned about anti-Asian racism.
However, the NBC poll showed that support for Trump rose among
African Americans, Asians, and Latinos. In particular, 18 percent of
black men voted for Trump in 2020 compared with 13 percent in 2016, and
black women increased support for Trump from 4 percent in 2016 to 8
percent in 2020. Trump also roughly doubled his share of gay voters.
It appears that support among Latinos buoyed Trump victories in several key counties in the Sun Belt. Trump was able to score a win
in Zapata County, Texas, by 52-to-47 percent over Joe Biden. The
county’s population is 94.7 percent Hispanic, and elected Hillary
Clinton over Trump in 2016 by 65-32 percent.
Additionally, Latino voters in Miami-Dade County, Fla., helped propel Trump to victory in that crucial swing state.
Christians around the world prepare for their Good Friday vigil by
remembering the Last Supper on Holy Thursday, beginning in the late
fourth century. This chronology assumes that Jesus’ trial by the
Sanhedrin following his arrest at Gethsemane on the Mount of Olives
commenced the night before his crucifixion.
Another debate concerns whether the Last Supper that Jesus celebrated
with his disciples constituted a Passover meal. Careful aggregation of
the Gospel accounts helps resolve these difficulties by linking this
celebrated feast to Wednesday evening and the wee hours of Thursday
morning.
Assuming
the Last Supper was celebrated on Thursday evening leads to the
contention that the Sanhedrin trial of Jesus occurred clandestinely that night and was thereby illegitimate. This can have misleading implications.
Elusive Target
As an itinerate healer and preacher, Jesus avoided the administrative capitals Sepphoris and Tiberius, even traveling to Phoenicia to elude
Herod Antipas. (For readability, hyperlinks provide most scriptural
citations.) He had no intention of being quietly slain for political
exigencies, as John theBaptist had been in the Machaerus fortress as Josephus records (Antiquities §18.119).
Jewish leaders who opposed Jesus shared his objective—they sought to
discredit Jesus and his ministry through a public blasphemy trial, not
by a furtive Star Chamber court. They even arranged his burial as Paul related at Pisidian Antioch in c. AD 48. Hence, the traditional chronology with its nighttime forum is implausible.
Had the Sadducees merely wanted to eliminate Jesus without fuss, sicarii assassins (Ant. §20.186)
could have been hired for this task, albeit at some expense.
Dispatching an antagonist who frequently moved about and had worked
independently as a builder—accustomed to coordinated and arduous labor—might mean an elusive and resistant target.
After a narrow escape, Jesus invited at least four fishermen as companions: Jonah’s sons Simon Peter and Andrew and Zebedee’s sons James and John, men
exhibiting strength and dexterity for their vocations, able to serve as
bodyguards. Nonetheless, Judas Iscariot was later paid a finder’s fee.
Paschal Sequence
Resolving this dilemma requires recognizing differences in liturgical calendars. The Johannine account
identifies the “Jewish”—that is, the official—Passover, as distinct
from the one celebrated by the disciples. Regarding wine, Jesus opined “the old is good,” but perhaps this also applied to the reckoning of days.
The paschal lamb is slaughtered before dusk on the 14th of the first
month called “Aviv” in Cana’an, meaning between 3 p.m. and 5 p.m. at the
Temple, as expounded by Josephus (War §6.423).
Its carcass is roasted and consumed that evening along with unleavened
bread, which would continue to be eaten over the next six days until the
21st as presented in Torah (Exodus 12:15, 13:6, 23:15 and Leviticus 23:6).
After
the Babylonian conquest, the feast commenced in the evening that marked
the 15th of the first month called Nisan following sight of the new
moon after vernal equinox, despite prophetic objection. Josephus elucidated the eating of unleavened bread as the day succeeding the communal sacrifice (Ant. §3.248-249). Several first-century Judaic worshippers followed the pre-exile calendar based on Torah instructions (Exodus 12:2-6; Leviticus 23:5 and Numbers 9:1-3).
During Josiah’s reforms in 622 BC, Passover became a nationalspring feast, centralized at the place of God’s choosing. Tradition ascribes this location to Solomon’s Temple on Mount Moriah in Jerusalem. That site was destroyed in 587 BC and rebuilt by Zerubbabel in 515 BC. An earthquake in 31 BC (Ant. §15.121) led to its replacement from 20 BC (Ant. §15.388-393) through 17 BC (War §1.401) by Herod.
Despite designation of Iron Age Zion for this honor, contemporary temples to YHWH were also erected elsewhere in the Levant and in Egypt. These sites included Arad, Bethel, Elephantine Island (on the Nile), Mount Gerizim, and lastly Heliopolis.
Calendar Comparison
This festival change arose from a shift in marking the day. In the
monarchical lunar calendar, days began and ended at sunrise, with the
year starting in spring marked by end of visibility of the old lunar
crescent.
Afterreturningfromexile
in the sixth and fifth centuries BC, the priests employed another lunar
calendar with days beginning and ending at sunset with the month’s
beginning marked by first visibility of the new lunar crescent. Some
communities, including the Essenes and Samaritans, retained the
pre-exile calendar, while the community at Qumran adopted a solar calendar.
The occupying Romans used the solar Julian calendar with their days
reckoning from midnight. Colin Humphreys explores these and many other
details in his book “The Mystery of the Last Supper.”
Trial Hearing
Episodes following Jesus’ capture atGethsemane
seem too numerous and time-consuming to be comfortably compressed into a
single Thursday evening. At his sumptuous residence, the emeritus high
priest Ananus (Ant. §18.26) questioned Jesus concurrently with Peter’s denials in all four Gospel accounts (Matthew 26:70-74; Mark 14:68-71; Luke 22:57-60; and John 18:25-27).
Afterwards, Jesus was brought to the Sanhedrin for trial presided over by high priestCaiaphas, son-in-law of Ananus, who remained the most influential. Inspiration for this sacerdotal tribunal can be found in Torah and post-exilic writings. In 47 BC, Herod purged its membership (Ant. §14.175), and in AD 66 Procurator Florus informed that council of his departure (War §2.331) following the unrest he had instigated.
Officials don’t typically operate at such breakneck expediency, even in ancient times. So when did all this happen?
Early Days of Passion Week
On Palm Sunday, Jesus arrivedatBethphage, counted as six days before the official Passover. His triumphal entry into Jerusalem through the Golden (or Eastern) gate (Ant. §15.424) adjacent the Temple Mount occurred that afternoon according to the Synoptics (Matthew 21:7-10 and Luke 19:37), although the Johannine account (John 12:12) indicates the day after. Based on dates for AD 33,
that Sunday would correspond to 9 Nisan and 11 Aviv (in year 3793 AM)
on the Hebrew calendar, which correspond to 29 March (AUC 786) on Rome’s
Julian calendar.
The next day (Monday), Jesus cursed a fig tree and cleansed theTempleprecinct, later departingthatevening returning eastward. Unlike a similar altercation three years before, this market disruption sparked lethal reaction from the authorities.
On 14 Aviv (Wednesday), Jesus instructed his disciples to find a man with a water jug and prepare the Passover feast in an upperguestroom used afterward. The rendezvous likely transpired at the Siloam pool near the southern tip of the ancient City of David with a monk from the Essene community, known for their hospitality and to eschew marriage (War §2.119-121 and Pliny “Natural History” §5.73).
Such men would engage in tasks commonly relegated to women, such as
carrying water. The disciples could negotiate such arrangements despite doctrinalanimosity with the Herodians, so labeled from their political support of Herod (Ant. §15.377-378) c. 20 BC. That evening would mark the first day of unleavened bread that convenes the beginning of Passover.
Afterward, these dozen men departed through the Essene gate (War §5.145) walking east along the Hinnom Valley, lit by the full moon as evidenced by the partial lunar eclipse in the early evening after the crucifixion some 40 hours later. Then they continued north through the Kidron Valley that flanked the ancient City of David to Gethsemane at the MountofOlives to pray within sight of Herod’s Temple. That night Jesus was betrayed.
A crowd accompaniedbyJudasIscariot approached to apprehend Jesus. They brought him to thehighpriest at the Antonia tower (War §5.238-241) apparently for initial questioning, probably to verify that the man seized was indeed the sought Galilean.
Peter followed into the courtyard
to observe. Accused of association with the prisoner, he prevaricated.
Peter’s first and third denials were succeeded first by a Roman trumpet blow at 3 a.m. of Thursday, 2 April and then according to all the Gospels, a rooster’s crowing more than an hour later (Matthew 26:74; Mark 14:72; Luke 22:60 and John 18:27) at daybreak.
Proceedings
The Sanhedrin convened at the Hall of Hewn Stones (along the Temple’s north wall) on Thursday morning of 13 Nisan (and the start of 15 Aviv) to hear testimonial attestation and then confer. The second-century judicial Midrash, Tractate Sanhedrin 4:1,
requires a trial during daytime, and for a capital crime the verdict
must be affirmed the following morning, procedures that probably began a
century prior.
Modern confusion arises from fusing Ananus’ preliminary hearing and
Caiaphas’ formal proceedings with the Gospel authors’ focus on Peter’s
fear and guilt. This conflation implausibly squeezes all these incidents
into only a few night-time hours.
After rendering the verdict following the hearing of witnesses and direct questioning, Jesus was handed over to guards for escorting up steps (War §5.243)
and incarcerated in the Antonia for the night. Meanwhile, the council
would then have notified Pilate for an audience on his judgment throne
(War §2.172) at the Hasmonean Praetorium in the Tyropoeon valley a few hundred feet southwest of the Temple Mount, while his family and Tetrarch Antipas stayed at Herod’s palace (War §5.176) north of the Essene quarter. His wife’s dream suggests a judicial case would be presented thenextmorning, which began before 6 a.m.—the sixth hour from midnight of Friday, 3 April.
Sentence
Eventually, Pilate assented to thechiefpriest’sdemands to fulfill the execution, corresponding to 14 Nisan – the eve of official Passover (Luke 23:54 and John 19:14, 31 that Mark 15:42
confuses with the Sabbath). Escorted from the Praetorium (rather than
Antonia, as presumed since the Crusades) through the Garden gate (War §5.146) that joined outer walls, Jesus was taken outside the city onto a small hillcalledGolgotha to be crucified after 9 a.m., the third hour from dawn. Hanging from his cross, Jesus expired about 3 p.m., or the ninth hour, coinciding with the slaughter of Pascal lambs.
Holy Week in Review
By this reckoning, we can account for all the days of Holy Week, from
Palm Sunday’s entry (29 March), Monday’s vendor eviction from the
Temple courtyard (30 March), Tuesday’s fig tree observation (31 March),
Wednesday’s Passover preparation (1 April), Thursday’s trial (2 April),
Good Friday’s crucifixion (3 April) and Saturday’s Sabbath on the
official first day of unleavened bread (4 April) with Jesus’ body in a nearby tomb. The wave offering of first fruits would begin that Sunday.
Folklore provides ritual and theological underpinnings to fill in
gaps from ancient records. However, such interpretive inspirations ought
not to preclude more logical and historically consistent
reconstructions of transpired events. In this instance, the Last Supper
can be recognized as properly belonging to Wednesday night through
Thursday morning, rather than Thursday evening, whether or not religious
celebrations coincide.
The Gospel accounts have been critiqued for confusing discrepancies.
Despite whatever chronological deficiencies that New Testament
scriveners may exhibit for their devotional emphasis in their
narratives, they can’t be faulted for composing obscure fables regarding
the messiah’s public ministry. Here, the times and places for the
Passion narrative present a modest attempt to illuminate tradition and
resolve ambiguities in sacred history from a fragmentary mosaic of
secular and canonical sources.
The days of Holy Week can be reconciled by careful accounting of
events and by recognizing alternative ways that ancients used to mark
time. For all the superstitions ascribed to Christianity, descriptive
reports such as the Passion establish its cultural context from which
believers worship the God oftheliving.
These writings thereby institutionalize the Resurrection’s historical
and theological legitimacy, especially during Lent and the Easter
season.
In an age when Americans have grown used to
casually shrugging away their freedoms at the whim of TV pundits, this
kind of propaganda is seriously dangerous.
Open The New York Times’ politics page Thursday morning and the top
headline reads, “Democrats Begin Push For Biggest Expansion In Voting
Since 1960s.” It’s a story
about the most important election power-grab in modern legislative
history, with a slim, partisan majority of senators seeking to wrest
control of elections away from state governments to ensure Democrat
control for decades to come.
For starters, H.R. 1 will ban voter ID requirements, mandate early
voting windows, allow outside activist groups to deliver votes for
counting, do away with notarized absentee ballots, force states to
accept absentees for 10 days after an election is over, narrow the
Federal Election Commission by one member to allow for partisan control,
mandate counting illegal aliens in voting districts, allow the IRS to
investigate non-profits’ political ideas, and make it nearly impossible
to sue over the new rules.
In
short, it’s a story about Democrats aiming to seize massive power over
how elections are run. Of course, you wouldn’t get any of that
information from The New York Times headline or copy. In fact, funny
enough, the second story on The New York Times’ politics page Thursday
morning was the one headlined, “Republicans Aim To Seize More Power Over
How Elections Are Run.”
That one’s a story
about Republicans working to pull control of the elections back from
judges and officials’ extra-legislative “emergency rules” and rulings.
The moves, the story reports with a straight face, are “threatening the
fairness that is the bedrock of American democracy.”
Reasonable people can disagree on if they think the Democrats or
Republicans are right or wrong in their different initiatives, but the
stark difference between these two top news headlines is glaring — and
not too long ago would have been deeply embarrassing to any serious news
editor.
Meanwhile, over at Axios, the news sites’ two co-founders wrote
an article about President Joe Biden’s plan to “re-engineer America
quickly.” At a closed-door White House meeting, they report, “the
historians” agreed with the presidents’ thinking that, “It is time to go
even bigger and faster than anyone expected. If that means chucking the
filibuster and bipartisanship, so be it.”
There’s virtually zero skepticism in their reporting. Instead, in the
condescending little “Why It Matters” breakdown, readers are treated to
how bold and historic this massive left-wing power-grab will be.
“[Biden] won’t rub [Republicans’] noses in it,” they write, predicting
instead that he is on his way to becoming a modern President Franklin
Delano Roosevelt.
The intensity with which these outlets simply spewed Democratic
propaganda Thursday morning was shameless. While this is no longer
unusual, in an age when Americans from coast to coast have grown used to
casually shrugging away their freedoms at the whim of a television
doctor and his political allies, this kind of propaganda is seriously
dangerous.
For the past year here in Washington, D.C., as well as in cities and states across the country, we’ve been told not to gather with our friends, neighbors, and family, not to worship God
with our parishes, and not to visit our sick or elderly loved ones.
We’ve even been told not to admire outdoor beauty, with the National
Park Service’s Tuesday announcement that they will be choking off the number of people permitted to admire the cherry blossoms around the Tidal Basin this spring.
Except that last one is true. The problem, of course, is while
corporate media were excited to scream it from the rooftops during
President Donald Trump’s four years in office, at a time the most
powerful people in the country are insisting the truth is a lie and
their lies are the truth, many of our best-known reporters are not
merely absent, they’re complicit.
Thursday afternoon, when the president took questions for the first
time in more than nine weeks, PBS’s Yamiche Alcindor, for example, asked
how the president deals with the tension of attracting ungovernable
masses of illegal immigrants to the border after being “elected as a
moral, decent man.” Instead of rolling their eyes, two more reporters
referentially played off her questions.
Will Biden run for re-election in four years, another reporter
queried. Will Vice President Kamala Harris be his running mate? Why
isn’t he moving faster to smash the tools designed to protect the
Senate’s minority party?
“How far,” AP’s Zeke Miller asked at the top of the presser, “are you
willing to go to achieve those promises that you made to the American
people?”
We already know the answer to that question because the Democratic
Party has made it abundantly clear they will go as far as they
physically can. They will come into our schools, they come into our
churches, they will come into our social media, our place of employment,
our private company, our home, and our family.
The real question is: How far will we let them come? Because no one else is going to stand up for us.
President Joe Biden
has been increasingly critical of the Senate filibuster, calling it a
Jim Crow relic and saying it has been widely abused despite Democrats
using it over 300 times in 2020, compared to once by Republicans.
“After @POTUS @JoeBiden denounced the rampant abuse of the filibuster last year, we did some digging,” Fox News anchor John Roberts tweeted Friday. “Republicans used it once. Democrats used it 327 times.”
Biden also expressed frustration with how often the
filibuster has been used and specifically took issue with how it was
“abused” last year.
“I was going to give you the statistics, but you probably
know them, that it used to be that — that from between 1917 to 1971, the
filibuster existed, there was a total of 58 motions to break a
filibuster that whole time,” Biden said in the press conference. “Last year alone, there were 5 times that many. So it's being abused in a gigantic way.”
"It is not only a bad idea, it upsets the constitutional
design, and it disservices the country," then-Sen. Biden said at the
time about eliminating the practice. "No longer would the Senate be that
‘different kind of legislative body’ that the founders intended. No
longer would the Senate be the ‘saucer’ to cool the passions of the
immediate majority."
Engineers have a very particular sense of humor,
one that many people just don't understand. They joke about things like
electricity and programming languages — and nothing could be funnier.
If you need some more material or just need to brighten up your day, here are 25 of the best engineering jokes from across the web.
Three
engineers and three mathematicians are on a train going to a
conference. The mathematicians each bought a ticket. The engineers have
one between them. As the conductor starts walking through the train car,
the engineers all rush off and jump into the small lavatory.
The conductor knocks on the door of the lavatory and says "Ticket, please."
At
which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation
slot and the conductor punches it. The mathematicians think this looks
like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home.
As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. The engineers have no ticket!
After
a while, one of the engineers says, "Here comes the conductor!" So all
three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one
ticket.
One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please."
A
priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor
chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The
priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The
green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They
lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell
silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say
a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm
going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's
anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
An
engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a
buck, and each take turns to try and bag it. The physicist goes first.
He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the
bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum.
The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.
The
engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineer's pad and book of
projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he’s ready, he takes aim,
and fires.
The bullet lands 20m passed the deer. The statistician leaps in the air shouting, “We got it!”
Reaching
the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Manager asked the young
engineer fresh out of university, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $100,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR Manager said, "Well, what would you say to a package of $200,000 a year, 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental coverage, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red Mercedes?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you joking?"
HR Manager says, "Of course, ...but you started it."
One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of "hide and seek". Einstein volunteered to go first.
As
he counted, Pascal ran away scrambling to find a great hiding place.
Giddily, he squeezed into a crawl space sure that he would win this time
as this was his best hiding spot to date and Newton surely wouldn't find an equal.
Newton,
on the other hand, stood right in front of Einstein, pulled out a piece
of chalk, and drew a box on the ground of roughly 1x1 meters. Once this
was completed, he sat down neatly inside the box and waited for
Einstein to finish counting.
When Einstein opened his
eyes, he of course saw Newton and with a bit of disappointment said “I
found you, Newton, you lose”... but Newton replied, “On the contrary,
you are looking at one Newton over a square meter... Pascal loses!”
Newton
asked a group of medical students, science students, management
students, and engineering students the question, "How can you write 4 in
between 5?"
The medical students answered, "This is a joke, right?"
The science students answered, "It is impossible!"
The management students answered, "Not found on the internet!"
The engineering students answered, "That's easy, it's F(IV)E!"
A
mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all given identical
rubber balls and told to find the volume. They are given anything they
want to measure it and have all the time they need.
The
mathematician pulls out a measuring tape and records the circumference.
He then divides by two times pi to get the radius, cubes that,
multiplies by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds and thereby
calculates the volume.
The physicist gets a bucket of water, places 1 gallon of water in the bucket, drops in the ball, and measures the displacement to six significant figures.
And the engineer? He writes down the serial number of the ball and looks it up.
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several
years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible
problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar
machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine
to work but to no avail.
In desperation, they called
on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the
past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He
spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day,
he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine
and said, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
