December 21, 2009

Gullible's Travels

By Harold Witkov

I am Barry Gullible and I am King of the most powerful nation in the world: the United States of America. Although I appear to be the same size as my Lilliputian American countrymen, I am not, for I tower above them in greatness and stature. As King (my subjects incorrectly call me president), I have often traveled abroad and mixed with the Lilliputian heads of foreign lands. For the sake of posterity, I have begun writing the memoirs of my impressive "travels into ... remote nations of the world." Forgive me for this preliminary publishing, for I acknowledge that it is "a very loose and uncorrect account."

Early in my rule, I journeyed to an Island named United Kingdom. It was there that I hobnobbed with twenty nation rulers at the G-20 Leaders' Economic Summit. My aides, courtiers, and the leading journalists of the day said how fabulously successful I was. I believe it was during that trip that I forever fell in love with the word "summit." During that same trip, my wife Michelle gave Queen Elizabeth II a warm bear hug greeting and demonstrated once and for all the foolishness of United Kingdom protocol for their royals. I recall how the Queen blushed with pleasure when I presented her with an iPod gift containing my speeches.

In June of 2009, I visited the land of Egypt and delivered the groundbreaking Cairo speech called "A New Beginning." Through this speech, according to my entourage, I personally ended Muslim hatred towards my nation. (Muslim hatred, I must embellish, had nothing to do with me but everything to do with my predecessors.) Having quickly healed and solved the problems of the Middle East in a single speech, I had time to take in some of the sights, including the Giza Pyramids.

In July of the same year, I went to the Kingdom of Russia. It was my intention to have a real meeting of the minds with Russian Czars Putin and Medvedev. I must have been very impressive because I remember they had happy smiles on their faces when our meetings were over. I recall giving a great speech before I left Russia. I said, "I come before you with some humility. I think in the past there's been a tendency for the United States to lecture rather than to listen. And we obviously still have much work to do with our own democracy in the United States." My aides have told me when abroad that it always serves me well to denigrate my own great country. I do it all the time. I think it worked with the Russians. I believe our countries are much closer now that I have proven to the Russian Czars and their citizens that they have nothing whatsoever to fear from me. (I later dispelled their fear even more when I ordered no defensive missiles for our ally Poland)

In October of 2009, I journeyed to Copenhagen, capital city to a small land called Denmark. In Copenhagen, it was my mission to help the city of Chicago, the city where I learned how to politic, obtain the 2016 Olympic Games. To host such games would be a great honor for my former city of residence and yet another achievement added to my lifetime achievement resume. Embarrassingly, Chicago was early eliminated from the competition through no fault of my own. Still, it was a horrid experience and loss of face for me, but once I returned to my White House mansion, my attendants put me at ease explaining that the entire episode was nothing more than an unsettling dream, a nightmare, I believe they called it.

The next month I traveled to the Far East, to the most populous nation on the globe: China. I was truly looking forward to this trip because of all nations on the Earth, I identify most with the philosophical views of the Chinese regime. To my surprise, I had to listen politely to Chinese leaders while they lectured me on the merits of capitalism. Summoning my diplomacy skills, however, I cleverly managed to change direction of their conversation and got them to agree to a five-point joint statement pledging future cooperation which, my advisers assured me, was of great import. I later found time to see the Great Wall of China, built many years ago by the ancient Chinese to keep 21^st-century flood waters caused by future melting polar icecaps at bay.

My favorite of all trips was to the city of Oslo in the magical land of Norway. It was there that I justly received the highest honor in the world, the Nobel Peace Prize. Fittingly, I received the honor not for what I had done, but for what I am destined to do. I remember how touched both Michelle and I were, standing on the Grand Hotel balcony before the cheering throng. Seeing the love in their eyes only made me surer that my path in life is the right one. As fate would have it, my schedule ran late that trip, and to their great disappointment, I was not able to lunch with the royal Norwegian family.

Finally, I have just now returned from my latest sojourn. For a second time, I was in that misbegotten land of Copenhagen, Denmark. However, at a time when things were falling apart after lengthy haggling, I, Barry Gullible, King of the United States of America, arrived at the nick of time and saved the United Nations Climate Change Conference -- and perhaps the Earth itself. The framework developed because of my intervention was a "meaningful and unprecedented breakthrough." As I spoke the following words, I felt a tingle of goose bumps all over my body: "For the first time in history, all major economies have come together to accept their responsibility to take action to confront the threat of climate change."

As for my escapades abroad, my memoirs are at present up to date. I have returned to my American kingdom, and for the time being, there are bills to pass and private industries to slay. "I here take final leave of all my courteous readers, and return to enjoy my own speculations."

-Barry Gullible