I don't own my child's body
Some experts advise parents not to make their children hug or kiss relatives.
Story highlights
- Katia Hetter does not tell her daughter she must hug or kiss visiting relatives
- Sexual abuse cases solidified her resolve to let her child make choices about her own body
- A personal safety expert agrees that children shouldn't be compelled to touch anyone
Katia Hetter is a CNN features writer who covers parenting, relationships, books, entertainment and travel. This story has been updated from a version published in 2012.
(CNN)My daughter occasionally goes on a hugging and kissing strike.
She's
7, and she's been holding these wildcat strikes since she was 3 or 4.
Her parents can get a hug or a kiss, but many people who know her
cannot, at least not all the time. And I won't make her.
"I would like you to hug Grandma, but I won't make you do it," I first told her three years ago.
"I don't have to?" she asked, cuddling up to me at bedtime, confirming the facts to be sure.
No,
she doesn't have to. And just to be clear, there is no
passive-aggressive, conditional, manipulative nonsense behind my
statement. I mean what I say. She doesn't have to hug or kiss anyone
just because I say so, not even me. I will not override my own child's
currently strong instincts to back off from touching someone who she
chooses not to touch.
I figure her body is actually hers, not mine.
It
doesn't belong to her parents, uncles and aunts, school teachers or
soccer coach. While she must treat people with respect, she doesn't have
to offer physical affection to please them. And the earlier she learns
ownership of herself and responsibility for her body, the better for
her.
I shudder at recent stories of Josh Duggar's "inappropriate touching" of his sisters, accusations that Bill Cosby sexually assaulted women after drugging them and Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State football coach
convicted of sexually abusing young boys. And they strengthen my
resolve to teach my kid that it's OK to say no to an adult who lays a
hand on her -- even a seemingly friendly hand.
"When
we force children to submit to unwanted affection in order not to
offend a relative or hurt a friend's feelings, we teach them that their
bodies do not really belong to them because they have to push aside
their own feelings about what feels right to them," said Irene van der
Zande, co-founder and executive director of Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International, a nonprofit specializing in teaching personal safety and violence prevention.
"This
leads to children getting sexually abused, teen girls submitting to
sexual behavior so 'he'll like me' and kids enduring bullying because
everyone is 'having fun.' "
Protection against predators
Forcing
children to touch people when they don't want to leaves them vulnerable
to sexual abusers, most of whom are people known to the children they
abuse, according to Ursula Wagner, a mental health clinician with the
FamilyWorks program at Heartland Alliance in Chicago. None of the child
victims of sexual abuse or assault she's counseled was attacked by
strangers, she said.
Sometimes
a child picks up on something odd about your brother-in-law that no one
knows. Maybe he isn't a sexual predator. Maybe he has no sense of
boundaries. Maybe he tickles too much, which can be torture for a person
who doesn't like it. Or he may be a predator.
"It
sends a message that there are certain situations (when) it's not up to
them what they do with their bodies," Wagner said. "If they are
obligated to be affectionate even if they don't want to, it makes them
vulnerable to sexual abuse later on."
Why wait until there's trouble? Parenting coach
Sharon Silver worked hard to cultivate her children's detector. Silver
says her sons easily pick up on subtle clues that suggest something
isn't quite right about particular people or situations.
In your child's case, it may be that something's off about Aunt Linda or the music teacher down the street.
"It's
something inside of you that tells you when something is wrong," Silver
said. Training your child to pay attention to those instincts may
protect him or her in the future.
Having sex to please someone else
Would
you want your daughter to have sex with her boyfriend simply to make
him happy? Parents who justify ordering their children to kiss grandma
may say, "It's different."
No, it's not, according to author Jennifer Lehr, who blogs about her parenting style.
Ordering children to kiss or hug an adult they don't want to touch
teaches them to use their body to please you or someone else in
authority or, really, anyone.
"The
message a child gets is that not only is another person's emotional
state their responsibility but that they must also sacrifice their own
bodies to buoy another's ego or satisfy their desire for love or
affection," Lehr said.
"Certainly no
parent would wish for their teenager or adult child to feel pressure to
reciprocate unwanted sexual advances, yet many teach their children at a
young age that it's their job to use their bodies to make others
happy."
We can't be rude
You
might think my daughter's shiftless parents are not teaching her
manners, but that's not true. She has to say "please" and "thank you,"
set the table, clear her dishes and thank everyone and everything that
makes her meals possible.
She has be
polite when greeting people, whether she knows them or not. When family
and friends say hello, I give her the option of "a hug or a high-five."
Since she's been watching adults greet each other with a handshake, she
sometimes offers that option. We talk about high-fives so often she's
started using them to meet anyone, which can make the start of any
social occasion look like a touchdown celebration.
"When
kids are really little and shy, parents can start to offer them choices
for treating people with respect and care," van der Zande said. "By age
6 or 7, even shy kids can shake somebody's hand or wave or do something
to communicate respect and care. Manners -- treating people with
respect and care -- is different than demanding physical displays of
affection."
It creates more work
Refusing
to order her to hand out hugs or kisses on demand means there's more
work to keep the relationships going and keep feelings from being hurt.
Most of our extended family live far away, so it's my job to teach my
kiddo about people she doesn't see on a daily basis.
We
make sure to keep in contact with calls and Skype and presents. In
advance of loved ones' visits, which often means an all-day plane ride, I
talk a lot about our guests, what they mean to me and what we're going
to do when they arrive. I give them plenty of opportunity to interact
with her so she can learn to trust them.
I
explain to relatives who want to know why we're letting her decide who
she touches. There will be no obligation or a direct order from Mom.
And
while I hope I'm teaching my child how to take care of herself in the
future, there are benefits to allowing her to express affection in her
own way and on her own timeline. When my child cuddles up to my mother
on the sofa, happily talking to her about her favorite books and Girl
Scouts and other things, my mother's face lights up. She knows my
daughter's love is real.
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